Just because I don’t call you 50 times a day or leave a lot of messages doesn’t mean I’m over you. It really deepens my sense of loneliness and sadness when I get no response from you. I’d rather not call on you than get nothing but silence as an answer. Your silence speaks volumes to me. It’s something I’d rather not hear. I’ll never surrender my feelings for you. I’ll never stop longing for you. Sadly I’ll never stop searching for you in every one I meet. I look at our pictures multiple times a day and I just about lose it. There are people who once they enter into one’s life and leave. Leave tell tell marks they’ve been there. In my heart, in my soul. Your music, your laughter, the way you smile, the way you squeak when you’re happy. I love you with everything that I am. I don’t want to expose myself to you anymore than I do. I want you to know that this longing for you is more than nostalgia for what once was. It is a deep and devestating yearning for what could’ve been. I am still here.
By: Jose Serrano
Category: spilled words
-
-
I am a liar. I find myself doing it all the time. To strangers, to my neighbors, to my friends, to my family, and sadly to myself. The deception is easy it comes to me like second nature. Or at least that is what I show them. Every time I walk by and am greeted I nod and smile. I’m okay. I’m alright. I say. That is the performance. But when the streets are empty and the world sleeps I don’t. Alone in my solitude at last I can be sincere. I can be honest. I’m not okay. I hurt more than I thought humanly possible. I feel broken and empty. Abandoned and forgotten. I am disgusted with myself. Given my heart wanted and all that my soul needed. I sabatoged it. Im not okay. I look at my arms and I feel loneliness so deep that not even an echo returns to me when I scream your name. Desolate I am. Broken I will be. Forever incomplete. No one knows. No one but me. I miss you.
By: Jose Serrano
-
With every day that passes I will be here to show you that not only are you loved, missed as well as needed. Please do not let time escape you for time changes the heart. It blurs memories and changes the faces that we love.
With every day that passes your silence echos louder in the chambers of my lonely heart. The reverberating acoustic note of your indifference is heard in the depths of my soul. It is like a frost.
With every day that passes the hope and anticipation of seeing you again are as deep fresh water wells that sustain me. In this most desolate of places where there should only be howling wind and scorching heat. I found the refuge of this oasis.
With every day that passes I know that I am in peril. I waited for you but months have passed and my heart has weakened. Hope has abandoned me and anticipation has driven me to the edge of insanity.
I waited for you. You forsook me in this unforgiving landscape. As I lay here looking up at blue skies before I am taken into rest only one sound escaped my lips…….. I said your name and it was dry, but it was not bitter. Then I breathed my last and all was lost to the wind.
By: Jose Serrano
-
I don’t want you to forget me. But I’ve got little say in what your heart chooses to keep alive.
Nor do I hold any influence in what it decides to put to rest.
All I feel is this burning ache in my heart that is only equally reflected in the love that I have for you.
Never would I believe that silence could be so painful. Or that your absence from my life would be so traumatic.
Truly this feeling of incompleteness and loneliness resonates in my soul.
Say something I beseech you, my desperation is profound.
As profound as the happiness that is taken from a soul that has only been acquainted with it if only briefly.
You are my bleeding heart.
I love you
BY: JOSE SERRANO
-
My heart has felt pain.
Well acquainted with the desperation of doubt.
Familiar with the stare of hopelessness.
I have seen the gaze of indifferent despair and recognized my reflection in it.
My heart knows the wound of betrayal.
Rejection has embraced me.
Forgotten in my exile and forsaken in my suffering, with only my sorrow and tears as witness to my turmoil and tragedy.
Forever in enmity with the disapproval and disdain for the lack of compassion I demonstrate towards myself.
However futile my fight might be.
My every breath signals my stubborn defiance to relinquish the experience and struggle that I live.
My heart has known joy.
My heart has felt love.
My eyes have seen beauty, when I look at her everything behind me is surrendered.
The memory of my anguish is forgotten.
The wounds and scars disappear and I am home again.
By: Jose Serrano
-
Looking back on all the lies that I have spoken. All the oaths that I’ve broken. At the time I thought I was righteous. Now I see why this love is so lifeless.
Recalling the things that I did make me shudder. Condemned by the shame I now feel at the truths I cannot bring myself to utter.
They say truth shall set you free. Yet it is the truth that is persecuting me. It’s also said, to thy self be true. At the top of my lungs, I scream my heart has chosen you.
I love you. In your silence I find myself hurting. My only companion is this loneliness that is lurking. Beneath the lie of a smile that everyone sees. Lies the heart beneath my chest and it bleeds.
Without you I am lost. Lost without you. This is my truth. Lost without truth.
By: Jose Serrano
Hustlerdiariez -
It feels to me that you are angry at me for everything. Well you could live your life this way and you do. Until you admit and acknowledge that you have equal measure of responsibility and guilt in the way things developed you will not grow. I don’t come up here because I like it. I come here because I want to see you I am willing to do things I normally would not do.
You gave me good good feelings at one point. Instead of being uplifted and supported when I fucked up I was given the exact opposite of what I have given you. I have tended to your every request and been no more than a blame and burden to you. I made you feel loved. Safe. Protected.
Never did I compare you to anybody or use my friends in ways that made you feel like you weren’t good enough. Nor did I demean you and hurt you with the desire to control you. Or was spiteful.
I don’t know how to give up on someone I love.
I am stubborn and I don’t know how to keep my mouth shut. If I have the ability to say things that hurt you. I have also apologized. You don’t. I don’t know what to say to you or what to do anymore. All I know is this isn’t what it was. I’ve been hurt but not like this. I’ve been mistreated but the way I experience you lately makes me feel abused.You have this kind of thinking that leaves me with utter disbelief and denial. I don’t run away from the things that I am held accountable for. I don’t know how or why you are so bitter. I am not and I have every right to be. I refuse to feel inadequacy because I am not a bad person nor am I evil. I’m not selfish either. I am a caring person and I am worth more than the value you place on me. I know that you know that I love you. I also know that you know that my feelings for you are genuine. I’m not weak but I know when to say when. I have carried my cross and I’m okay with that. I was there when you needed me to be. You now have a need for something else. Although I know all to well that I would change everything that makes me who I am to be what you need me to be. This would be a crime against love. Because at the end of the day it still would not be enough.
I’ve given you my heart and insight into who and what I am. I’ve demonstrated that you matter. I am left with a reality that is in front of me. I can’t be everything to everyone. As I write this I am comforted by the realization that just maybe it’s you that isn’t right for me.
By – Jose Serrano
To – Randi Tamillo -
I am yours I wish to be with no one else.
We have things to work out but I believe we can find the answers without outside help.
I love you this is a different type of wealth.
It will never be spent.
Together through the struggle we went.
Understand that a purpose was meant.
To find a way in eachother we’re sent.
The good and the love outweigh the things we resent.
Together finding a way is what was dreamnt.
Love is what this is and what I feel it represents.
Nothing is wrong with loving someone more than yourself.
Somethings can’t be experienced until they are felt.
For example love for me is loving someone else.
Never turning your back on the one you love when they’re in need of help.
Pay attention to the message what im confessing is truth.
It’s beautiful to be a part of something bigger than you.
Most seek it but you only have it when it’s given.
It’s the cure for all of life’s ills and the answer to this wicked world we live in.
It never comes easy but it’s strength is the bond.
That keeps us going and gives us the will to hold on.
It never grows old and is stronger than death.
You feel it when you see your children take their first steps.
Love is what makes you and I blessed.
I want you to know that I am going to love until I take my last breath.By: Jose Serrano
Hustlerdiariez.tumblr.com
Hustlerdiariez.wordpress.com -
There is a calm in my heart before the next dagger is thrust. There is a smile on my face as I’m asked to believe in the word us. There is only silence after the mention of trust. There is hope that a life is more than a conscious speck of dust.
There is a place where peace isn’t the prize for death.
My heart knows that it speaks into the void, fathoms and depths.
There is a word that when whispered soothes all of this hurt.
There is reason to the chaos, in it we search.
There is only trial and error and the comfort of whatever works.There is reality which is perceived.
There is also what we choose to believe.
It is a fact that the deepest cuts don’t bleed.
There is the difference between the things that you want and the things you don’t need.What I lack is not what will make me complete.
How much weight is carried by the words I now speak.
So much more yet less than one is more than one needs.
Two simple words that once found, we find make us complete.There is a smile that only comes when these words reach a cold heart and give it life.
There is also a moment when everything in the dark is given a light.
I think of all the things that plague me.
It’s all the same things that save me.My tears are my own and only to my solitude do I give them.
I see through and disapprove but only wrath is what I give them. Vengeance is inevitable it’s God not me that forgives men.-Jose Serrano
Hustlerdiariez.tumblr.com
Hustlerdiariez.wordpress.com
Hustlerdiariez 