It feels to me that you are angry at me for everything. Well you could live your life this way and you do. Until you admit and acknowledge that you have equal measure of responsibility and guilt in the way things developed you will not grow. I don’t come up here because I like it. I come here because I want to see you I am willing to do things I normally would not do.
You gave me good good feelings at one point. Instead of being uplifted and supported when I fucked up I was given the exact opposite of what I have given you. I have tended to your every request and been no more than a blame and burden to you. I made you feel loved. Safe. Protected.
Never did I compare you to anybody or use my friends in ways that made you feel like you weren’t good enough. Nor did I demean you and hurt you with the desire to control you. Or was spiteful.
I don’t know how to give up on someone I love.
I am stubborn and I don’t know how to keep my mouth shut. If I have the ability to say things that hurt you. I have also apologized. You don’t. I don’t know what to say to you or what to do anymore. All I know is this isn’t what it was. I’ve been hurt but not like this. I’ve been mistreated but the way I experience you lately makes me feel abused.
You have this kind of thinking that leaves me with utter disbelief and denial. I don’t run away from the things that I am held accountable for. I don’t know how or why you are so bitter. I am not and I have every right to be. I refuse to feel inadequacy because I am not a bad person nor am I evil. I’m not selfish either. I am a caring person and I am worth more than the value you place on me. I know that you know that I love you. I also know that you know that my feelings for you are genuine. I’m not weak but I know when to say when. I have carried my cross and I’m okay with that. I was there when you needed me to be. You now have a need for something else. Although I know all to well that I would change everything that makes me who I am to be what you need me to be. This would be a crime against love. Because at the end of the day it still would not be enough.
I’ve given you my heart and insight into who and what I am. I’ve demonstrated that you matter. I am left with a reality that is in front of me. I can’t be everything to everyone. As I write this I am comforted by the realization that just maybe it’s you that isn’t right for me.
By – Jose Serrano
To – Randi Tamillo