Walked Away

 

I’d like to tell you that I am use to the feeling of nothing.
If I were to tell you that most of my life I have known suffering.
Would you believe me if I was to tell you that the loss of self happens at different stages.
I lost my life and my faith while being locked in so many cages.

There are many times that I have experienced pain in many phases.
Ive seen the damage of betrayal and I believe that it is like death in some cases.
I know from experience that sadness and despair are contagious.

Don’t know what it’s like to truly be free.
My mind is tormented and I’m constantly in the presence of grief.
From this I have experienced little reprieve.
There are a few times that I might have met solace and I might have known peace.
Darkness took me and in the confusion I was preyed upon by thieves.
Now there is no rest when I sleep.

Saw the truth and it was ugly.
If my own father didn’t want me how could God love me.
So many times to give up I’ve been tempted.
My pain is my own and expectations lead to resentment.
The hate that dwells inside me is relentless.
I need to sustain my reality that means that I am chemically dependent.

It feeds on itself and then turns and viciously attacks the ones that are defenseless.
I know that it will destroy me I know that it is senseless.
I don’t care about the penalties and don’t care about consequences.

I have been ugly and horrendous in the way I have done things.
Slave to no one but subject to my own suffering.
No matter what I feel I know that no where I belong.
I hurt myself at times when I should be strong.

A panic sets in when I should be calm.
My head tells me everything is going well when my heart feels that it’s wrong.
I use to think of all the things I’d done.
Now no matter what, I can only think of one.
I think of who I use to be and what I have become.

I want to end it all but instead I prolong my pain.
My soul is in peril and my life is forever changed.
What at one point was white is now heavily stained.
I have been hero, I have been victim, now the evil villain I became.
I brought hail, I brought sleet, brought rain.
Followed by thunder, and hastened by flame.
Alone is how I left alone is how I came.

I take time out of everyday to reflect.
I know the things I wish to cherish and things that I have to forget.
I know that there are a lot of things that I can’t change so I will have to accept.
I must acknowledge that there is nothing left.
To think of myself and give myself the opportunity to express.
How much I despise your cold indifferent neglect.

I am all out of options and I am out of patience.
Tired of being thrown out and tired of being gracious
Every so often I feel like I am worthless but that’s an understatement.
I know the truth is hard to believe.
Tears weren’t the only thing that spilled over on to the street.
I walk till I have no more strength in my feet.
I see you and please don’t make me feel like it’s me.
I walk away from you because you tell me to leave.

 

– Jose Serrano

 

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Hustlerdiariez.wordpress.com

 

 

 

 

 

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