I don’t know when it began ,
I don’t know how to get there.
My memory serves me a witness to the fact that I have always found a way to lose myself.
Time, places, and people who I once believed to be forgotten come to visit me. The memories only make me realize that I had strayed much longer than I can remember.
I know what I must do.
What I doubt is the strength in me needed to overcome my fear. Acknowledging my fear reveals to me my that I want to live.
If I feared nothing then suffering would be welcomed. I have invited it along but no more. I want to live. But live in a different way. I’ve been through so many things that I can’t tell which one broke me. But broken I am.
My confusion is total. Don’t know how or why my delusion is real but I am hopeful.
The ones that I need won’t come hear me. The ones that aren’t going to be there just linger. Am I too late. Fate is what is meant to be. Within me I know I must reject this. If change is to happen accountability and responsibilities have to be accepted.
My faith has to be grounded. I have to embrace what I have neglected. The weight of mistakes made yesterday I leave behind in my past is where I left them.
Owe this to myself. I want to feel well.
I once walked with denial now truth is mine to tell. Struggles will always be present. The purpose of life is the enjoyment of every second. A gift to be cherished and not wasted. Precious, precious, seconds. Change as time is of the essence.
Doing nothing about the pain, despair, and loathing of self is no way to live.
It won’t be easy but nothing ever is. To the manifestation of the epiphany I go and going I give. On this day I have decided to take up my cross and live…
– Jose Serrano